When I was a little girl I would spend my days catching the invisible things. They sparkled. Glittered. A life force. Were there. Just to land on my hand. They tickled and tinged, Zapped and Zipped while they span-dangled through my space with energy and were just wonderful.
My mother thought this was normal. After all being the eldest of seven children herself in the era, area and family ties that she was bright up in this reachable ever present energy was something that each child of my maternal grandparents was allowed to play with. So this was a normal pass time. And then society caught up with my mother. Its called growing up and being absorbed into a ‘normality of the times’ and culture you are within.
From being a person of wonder and energy herself the unfamiliar ways of the culture that had ‘allowed’ her to come within its confines started to rob her of her own self. It took away her essential self until the energy she had was confined to dealing with my father. A sailor who wanted to stay in another country as there were things to deal with when he arrived back to his home place. My father then became a policemen of the 1960’s To stay in that other country he needed a wife. So my mother was who the energies found.
My father is one that had come from the survival times of the English London as it was being bombed. Transition from the horrors from that childhood time to the horrors of every day then policeman’s life occurred. The Police force did not have Post Traumatic Stress counselling after tragedies. I have no idea if he would have take it even. The unspoken message even into the 1980’s was that you married someone you could talk to. Or someone whose energy was strong enough to sweep over yours and blanket the hurts for a while. Meanwhile you have two choices – the first is to get up and g on with your next days work load ignoring the mess under the blanket . The second would have been to open up the hurt and deal with it yourself. Well it was a man’s world in the police force. Time to deal with the maintenance issues when things happened. Later.
This at an early age I absorbed as I watch my family life disintegrate in front of my eyes. You see what was happening was that my pathways to behaviours acceptance were being programmed. My family and the structure within was a primary influence.
Given the economics, the unsettled life as a child, the hidden needs and what I strongly suspect was a person firmly within both the High Functioning Autism Spectrum and the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the fact that my father did not want children then At least for another five years. Then wait another five years until another was conceived. Understandable when you put the invisible pieces together. However how that was possible in those days I have yet to work out.
At that point in time though a pregnancy did occur and thus my mothers nursing was to be let go. You cannot relay on other people to look after what was yours – in this case your family. Even if it did mean that the possession you craved would be delayed. In later years [8 to be exact] my mothers parents house became available. So a down payment was made. Later a divorce was taken . However going against the times while listening and being guided by the energies once again it was my mother who drive away in her van. Freedom from oppression was calling – loudly knocking the door frame down. It was time to redefine herself. Very similar to what I myself have done within my life And so the patterns of the parents were laid and followed down as well by the child.
When I started to write this is not what I was aiming to share with you. The difference between my parents and I now has become apparent. Especially my mother as both myself and even our grandchildren still are very similar in looks. And yet the similarities that my mother and I have in appearance, beliefs and experiences are so same that it scares me at times and then on others I laugh at the silly similarity.
Recently online I bumped into a man who as standing there in a New York snow storm after effect. Here we had nearly 40 Deg Cel in heat. There was his photo of him standing in the snow thickly around his front porch with coat, gloves and hat – a Santa hat- looking at the snow around. So funny the thoughts that came into my mind. Looking back I saw the snow and the shovel and the hat. I saw into the eyes as well. These eyes had seen many things. Knew many things. The energy of that person reached out and I simply responded. Whether as a reaction or a proactive measure I do not know. Thinking about it I believe that what was to happen we both made the choice to be both proactive and reactive.
I made a comment and then with his response felt the need to explain my comment. You see here I was in the heat remembering twenty years earlier being in the same predicament and different situation of snowstorms up in the highlands of Victoria.. Yes I saw then past the snow being cold and wet. Then I did not know about the melting temperatures of the snow effects. Wet muddy floors, frozen children. Washing small children’s clothing by filling a bath tub with water and stomping on the clothing while my feet were in the gumboots. Remember that things called disposable nappies were not readily available.
Remembering this I made the comment. I reached out and left a footprint signature.
Over the next few months I must have driven him crazy with my metastory explanations on everything. The words would just flow.
Te funny thing was that when he could he answered then. Every single one he spent the time reading. As English was his second language he translated what I was saying – that lead to interesting misunderstandings too. Next he would digest what he had read. See the cornel of what was being written and respond. Short direct and to the point. That use to upset me and unnerve me. One day I asked how did he do that. The explanation was that his work required of him to condense things from thousands of pages down to one or two. Then someone else would read that and make a discussion paper decision.
To this day five months later I actually have no idea what the actual job is that he does. I accepted him as him self which to him must have been strange as he was surprised one day nearly two months later when I laughed at something he was doing. Growing up with the peoples around and my mother being easily accepted within the cultural framework on the ‘non-natives’ it was an easy thing to traverse cultural divides based on race. There simply were none and therefore they were not there to be recognised. It was years later that the aunties and uncles found out about the Maaori connections . Actually just the other day that I found out about a possible connection to another culture as well.
Which explains why I had no problem with describing people. With the other things in my life like working in the health field description were a necessary thing. Mind you a gold ring would be described as a ring of yellow appearance just because I was not qualified as a jeweller and even if I was I was not employed as a jeweller. From my point of view an analytical description of something was just that. Nothing more and nothing less. However since this man is of dark skin it triggered something within him. Something deep and that was covered well. When I saw what was bugging him all I could do was laugh. Sounds uncaring. In a way the reaction was. Until I explained .. which because I was laughing at my surprise was hard to do. It is with so much gratitude that he waited for the explanation. Which when I gave it to him he laughed with me. Having encouraged me to go out and buy a video camera we could Skype and talk together. From the time I first saw him I just had not see his skin colour. Simply if I had I it meant absolutely nothing to me.
Anyway this man and I became good close internet friends who cold talk about anything under the sun. And so I opened up about the energies. Only to find out he already knew. I opened up about being unable to find the mental ground to walk upon after a truck impacted on my vehicle. In effect the response was that I had been gifted within a spiritual return awareness. That I played with the energies and their flow was to be expected and was a very special thing to do.
You see this man’s importance within my life is that he accepted me for who and what I was. Something that I was still struggling with. The effects of my own parents exposure to the 1945 war period had been unconsciously given to me to play with. As a child as I got used to these impacts being there they gradually took over. By taking over the energy was blanketed. In order for it to survive it had to leave until once again I was ready to come out and play. Every so often small dust sprinkles would arrive and unknowingly I would reach out in wonder. Only to be held back by the dreams states at night. About the time a child comes out from their mothers protective energy with the cloud of innocence. Biblically speaking that is about 7 years of age – it was then and technology has sped this up a way lot.
And then as body changes began I was reaching out to my own energy and nor dirty was thrown into the mix. Thankfully two things happened. As my mother was preparing me for her to leave for a few days I also met Jesus and invited Him into my life. Jesus was her friend and thus I would be in good hands.
For a few hours in the pack among many other children I meet the man who later I was to re-meet and marry.
Like I said I re-met my then to be husband , we married, had children, moved countries, experienced different things ad moved around to many different places with a business of selling balloons and painting faces. Life was good and the best that we could make it for our own children
And then came the truck impact and everything stopped Now when this beautiful man explained to me what had happened was normal within both his own culture and the biblical teaching I began to understand him himself.
This fun loving free things gorgeous personality had gifted to me a special part of this – his inner life. Another gift he gave to he was the challenge to go seek out the light energy. Every week he went to church with his family. And one day so too did Id. I have found a way to accept the energy is there and freely given to any who take the call to action, this energy is free flowing an of any forms. The simple knowledge of Ask, Do receive is not enough within itself. This energy is there to make things happen in the direction of your own belief. Soon to that belief it will become. You are the one that gives the thought life simply by doing what needs to be done in order for the belief to take in the life giving power within itself.
This man gave me the permission I needed to hear just to fo that. To this day I hear his laughter when he realised what it was I was actually asking of him to for. He was amazed.
The last I had heard he had returned from his homeland. The ‘holiday’ went overtime and the work load had doubled. He arrived home only to find that the work had only been partially completed. The hours now spent sorting out the work load himself dragged into overhaul. This would rob him of the time spent with his own family and there went his pay packet on babysitter payments. And then everything caught up to him.
The last I heard was when I wrote back and explained that hat was missing was time management still . To sort things out into a halocrastic method of management mean that everybody was a team. There were jobs that everyone could do. If they could not yet as they had not the skills then encourage others to teach them and pass in the skills. Gradually everyone working within that department would pull together and the standards of output would improve. It made logical sense to me. After all I had had nearly twenty years as a leader in youth. Ages 5 to 230 years. This was the system we used. The things I saw happening as the children minds grasped that the world was their oyster was amazing. Even when the hassles of being in a socio-educational and economically low area were finally to swam them these children still have those embers being produced and when encourage by the clearing of the coal dust, the retrieval of life supporting oxygen these team working and leadership skills come back into life. Things get done.
Being in this organisation myself as a child then having no memory of the past, the conscious knowledge of skills and everyday activity had to be relearned. Where this organisation was supportive in what it showed and encouraged you to do opened my eyes to leadership, Management and forward planning to name a few. The dirt came from my acceptance of allowing the first to smother the glowing nuggets within my world.
Like I have said, somewhere before, I nearly did not open the communication lines between this man and myself. But I did. We both grew. I am happy. Not that he’s gone and we possibly have moved through that phase of our lives. Where his family is his primary concern as work is the secondary then he needs the gift of time to allow his body to catch up and heal.
Just the same as this time is for me to deal with accepting the business side of my brain needs firing up and activation. And that my friends is what completing the modules within the BootCamp I had started doing. The second part of the free training course is all about.
This man’s acceptance of myself in itself has been the bridge over the chasm divide. A physical band-aid that has pulled a cleaned wound together triggering further healing.
The feeling that have and are there are deeply profound and life giving. To each person that comes within my life I will count you as a blessing knowing that there is something more at work than your you and myself.
Why am I writing this. Primarly as there are people out there in the similar position as my self.